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Tanked Episode 317 for Tues Mar 10, 2015



We've all shaken a fitness tracker or two in our lives to beat the system. But now, Pornhub is making a wearable meant for just that—shaking. And beating. It's called the Wankband, and it lets you charge your gadgets by jacking off. It was only a matter of time.

    According to Pornhub's (decidedly SFW) video, a small inner valve in the band sends a weight up and down with each loving, lonely stroke. The extra-special alone time bracelet stores that generated energy, which you can then use to juice up all the similarly special gadgets in your life.

Of course, the amount of power it generates is almost definitely not going to be enough to give anything a full charge. But with the right attitude, days to kill, and a lock on your mom's basement door, we're sure you can persevere.


The Wankband is still in development right now, but you can head over to Pornhub's (SFW) wearable landing page to sign up for your chance to get in on the beta round, which Pornhub tells us should start "in the coming months." Coming months, indeed. (I hate myself.) Pornhub





Death of Spock


Miller High Life Delivery Man Windell Middlebrooks Dead at 36

No word on cause of death yet. He was beloved for all of those great living the miller high life ads.


Daredevil trailer:


Review of Chappie: Ric saw this bad boy!


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FLINT, MI -- Chicken was apparently one Flint woman's weapon of choice during an argument Tuesday evening.

Police said a woman in an argument with her husband near the intersection of East Dayton and Chippewa streets allegedly became so angry that she threw chicken at him, the husband said.

The husband also accused his wife of punching him in the chest area, taking his cell phone and speeding off in a vehicle, according to the police report.

She allegedly clipped another car and nearly ran him over, he told police.

No further information was released.


***Story Submitted by Grand Duke Mad Billy***

Woman Attacked Husband With Bag Of Ice Cream After Catching Him With Girlfriend


Dawn Elaine Barran, 45, was arrested on a charge of misdemeanor battery after allegedly hitting her husband with a bag of ice cream.        

One Florida woman clearly believes that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Nurse Dawn Elaine Barran, 45, allegedly attacked her husband with a bag of ice cream after catching him at a drug store with another woman, WPTV reports.

Barran spotted her husband and "his current girlfriend" inside a Walgreen's store on July 1, according to the arrest affidavit. She and her husband began to argue over the other woman before Barran picked up a bag of ice cream, just purchased by her husband, and hit him in the head with it, police say.

The affidavit states that the husband and his alleged girlfriend tried to leave the store, Barran followed them, hitting the man with her fist and car keys.

Barran was arrested later that day at her home, the Daily Mail reports, on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. Her husband suffered scratches to his hand and chest.



Submitted by Earl Patrick of the Tudrick North

Pennsylvania Man Beat Wife With Package Of Frozen Beef

A package of frozen hamburger meat.        

ALIQUIPPA, Pa. -- Authorities say a western Pennsylvania man beat his wife with a package of frozen ground beef, then ran away when police were called.

Police were called to the Aliquippa home of 51-year-old William Neugebauer on Tuesday for a report of a dispute with his wife. They found Wendy Neugebauer suffering from swelling on her rib cage, where she told police her husband hit her with the meat.

Police say William Neugebauer ran away, but they found him a half hour later when he returned home. He was then arrested.

The Beaver County Times ( reports that he faces a preliminary hearing Tuesday on charges including simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment and public drunkenness.

He remained jailed Friday unable to post $10,000 bond, according to online court documents. No attorney is listed for him.



Submitted by Earl Patrick of the Tundric North



Buffalo Kisses


Proper Magic





Woman Unknowingly Drives Pounds of Pot Around in Van for Several Years

They weren't rolling doobies down by the river, but Melodie Peil and her family were using their gently used 1990 Chevy van to roll around town when they discovered a stowaway that had been bumming a ride with them for about the last 15 years, 13 and a half pounds of marijuana packaged for transport.

It's not that anyone riding around in the Peil family truckster would've noticed the smell of pot due to the fact that it appears it hasn't seen the business end of a scrub brush since it was originally purchased from the used car dealership.

But Melodie was having trouble locking the side passenger door, so she asked a family friend to take a look at the trouble for her. When the friend popped off the door's interior panel to check the lock mechanism, he quickly noticed the door's frame was jam-packed with packaged bricks of the sticky stuff.

"Low and behold, we discovered something that didn't belong there," Peil affirmed. "It was pretty shocking."

Law enforcement officials claim that the stash was most likely placed there by the van's previous owner and forgotten about.

What makes this story even more "shocking" is the fact that Peil drove the pot-stocked van through at least 10 border patrol checkpoints in New Mexico without officials detecting the unbeknownst cargo.

Five-0 says the van's secret stash probably wasn't detectable by drug-sniffing dogs and border agents due to the fact that it was aged.

Have you purchased a used vehicle lately?

If so, you'd better give it a proper nasal appraisal. You might be driving around with a bud-load of the good-good!

Toke on and travel safe, tokers!

MISSING: $85,000 In Mozzarella Cheese

SUMMERFIELD, Fla. (AP) — Hold the cheese. Thieves made off with a refrigerated tractor-trailer filled with $85,000 worth of shredded mozzarella cheese bound for a Hungry Howies Pizza distribution center in central Florida.

The truck was reported stolen Sunday.

The Ocala Star-Banner ( reports the driver and his girlfriend left the trailer at a truck stop in Summerfield on Saturday evening while having a mechanic check the truck.

Marion County Sheriff's officials say the woman reported the truck was missing Sunday. Deputies say a hauler was also reported missing from the lot Saturday, presumably to take the trailer.

The missing trailer has white mud flaps with "Hudsonville Trailer Sales" on them. It also has a Michigan license plate. The trailer is valued at $62,000


Mt. Everest Is Covered In Human Poop, And That's a Problem: Official


KATHMANDU, Nepal (AP) — Human waste left by climbers on Mount Everest has become a problem that is causing pollution and threatening to spread disease on the world's highest peak, the chief of Nepal's mountaineering association said Tuesday.

The more than 700 climbers and guides who spend nearly two months on Everest's slopes each climbing season leave large amounts of feces and urine, and the issue has not been addressed, Ang Tshering told reporters. He said Nepal's government needs to get the climbers to dispose of the waste properly so the mountain remains pristine.

Hundreds of foreign climbers attempt to scale Everest during Nepal's mountaineering season, which began this week and runs through May. Last year's season was canceled after 16 local guides were killed in an avalanche in April.

Climbers spend weeks acclimatizing around the four camps set up between the base camp at 5,300 meters (17,380 feet) and the 8,850-meter-high (29,035-foot-high) summit. The camps have tents and some essential equipment and supplies, but do not have toilets.

"Climbers usually dig holes in the snow for their toilet use and leave the human waste there," Tshering said, adding that the waste has been "piling up" for years around the four camps.

At the base camp, where there are more porters, cooks and support staff during the climbing season, there are toilet tents with drums to store the waste. Once filled, the drums are carried to a lower area, where the waste is properly disposed.

Dawa Steven Sherpa, who has been leading Everest cleanup expeditions since 2008, said some climbers carry disposable travel toilet bags to use in the higher camps.

"It is a health hazard and the issue needs to be addressed," he said.


Woman got naked at Dunkin' Donuts on a dare

GREENACRES, Fla. (AP) — A 32-year-old woman told police in Florida she got naked and sat outside a Dunkin' Donuts as a dare.

The Palm Beach Post ( reports Shakara Monik Martin was arrested Sunday in Greenacres near West Palm Beach.

According to a police report, Martin told authorities the dare was part of a pledge to a dance troop, which wasn't identified.

Witnesses told police Martin was offered clothes several times, but she refused to take them. She began apologizing when police arrived.

She faces a charge of indecent exposure. Martin appeared in court Monday and was released on her own recognizance.

It was not clear whether she's retained an attorney and a phone number wasn't available for her